The Dark Reality Of DJing

illustration: apelmon

We all know them, and make no mistake, they’re everywhere.

They might be a family member, or a neighbour. They might even be one of your best friends. Some are easy to spot. Some less so. A few handy tell-tale signs are bloodshot eyes, reduced hearing and the pungent smell of stale second-hand smoke. They’re usually carrying a bag of some sort.

Even with these practical tips, you wouldn’t always be able spot them, and yet they’re always out there…. DJs. How do we know? BECAUSE THEY NEVER STOP INVITING US TO THEIR EVENTS. That’s how.

This isn’t of course a new phenomenon. It’s been around for years, and never really was a problem. We knew they were there – like Jehovah’s Witnesses – but it didn’t really affect us. Things have recently taken a dangerous twist, one brought on by so-called Social Networking sites. MySpace started it, while it has recently been multiplied to a worrying extent by Facebook, which has made it much easier for sufferers to get their ‘fix’. It now only takes a few simple clicks to feed this gruesome addiction. Main culprit: the ‘invite all’ button. Unsurprisingly, the disease is now out of control.

I’m no hypocrite. I know very well what I’m talking about. Too well perhaps… See, I’ve been there too, not just afflicted, but afflicted with the worst level of this cruel disease: resident DJ. I know all the tricks. I’ve felt the degradation, the despair. During really bad periods, I’d send out invitations once, sometimes even twice per week. Weekends, holidays. You name it. It would usually start quite innocently, with the creation of a flyer, on which I’d write all the bands they would hear if they came, and perhaps a subtle hint as to how much fun they would have (if only they’d come!). This would swiftly progress to actual promises. Free drinks. Sexual favours. Unlimited song requests…

Don’t be fooled into thinking DJs invite only their (existing) friends either. No, truly afflicted DJs will even make new friends just to have more people to invite! Another well known trick DJs sometimes employ is the cultivation of a friendly/enigmatic/dark (depending on the genre and target audience) persona, in an attempt to become ‘that fun/enigmatic/dark guy/girl’. This too is all part of it – designed only to lure you in.

Truly afflicted/’successful’ DJs will even generate what is known as a posse. The latter can generally be found within a stone’s throw distance of the afflicted. Seventy percent of said posse consists of girls with low self-esteem, daddy issues and an unhealthy interest in shoes – the remaining 30% consists of people who still think playing records to sell drinks in a room is something special.

Several years have passed since I hit rock-bottom, and I’m glad to say I’m no longer the person I once was. Was it easy? No. But I admitted my problem and, after all those years can proudly say that I, Steven B., am an ex resident DJ. When someone receives an email from me these days, they can safely open it, knowing that its contents are personal and heartfelt, and that an RSVP won’t be required. God only knows this wasn’t always the case.

So, all you aspiring DJs out there really might want to ask yourselves, is it really worth it? Sure it might get you some indie pussy, the occasional free drink, a little extra cash. But you may also lose all your friends. And your dignity.

Are you a DJ? Do you need help? Letters have no Arms is here for you. Just leave a comment, explaining the extent of your problem and we’ll try to provide the best possible advice, tailored to your particular situation.

Belle & Sebastian – Your Cover’s Blown

Momus – How to get – and stay – Famous

Suckers – Black Sheep

Her Space Holiday – The Doctor and the DJ

The Libertines – I Get Along

Related posts:

1. The light from a new song from The Rakes brightens an otherwise dark and dull January afternoon

Tags: addiction, belle and sebastian, dark, despair, DJ, forgiveness, her space holiday, hope, momus, persona, suckers, the libertines

This entry was posted on March 29, 2010 at 15:13 and is filed under Features, Music. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed.